A Mother’s Journal

I have debated over blogging about this.  It’s been in my mind — should I blog about it?  Or not?  Right now, it’s just as my post title indicates:  scare.  I found a lump.  (That in itself is scary enough.)  Actually it’s not really a lump as much as it is a lumpy area.  So I went to the doctor, who said what I expected to hear:  let’s get a diagnostic mammogram. 

I’ve known for about a week that I needed to have all this done, but I didn’t know what to say, if anything.  After all, it may be nothing, and I have friends who have dealt with the real thing, so I did not want to stir up some big issue about possibly having cancer when it may not be anything.  But then there’s the very scary what if.

I took my camera with me today.  I have made the decision to keep it with me all the time (if I can remember) because I am always seeing something in nature or in town that I wish I could have photographed.

I sat at the stoplight early this morning looking at the medical helicopter sitting on the hospital.  I would love to be in my garden today was going through my mind.

I have to tell you that I was impressed with the pretty gowns they had for mammogram patients.  I was expecting the standard blue gown.  This gown was soft. 

And it had pink ribbons on it.

I had my mammograms.  And waited.  Then the doctor wanted more.  I had them.  And waited.  Then they wanted an ultrasound.  I had one.  That doctor said the head radiologist wanted to take a look.  So I waited for him.  He looked.  He did not see anything suspicious, discrete, that just jumped out at him, but the fact remained that cancers — especially certain cancers — can hide.  And there was a change on mammogram.  And we could feel something there.  So I went for a stereotactic core needle biopsy. 

I walked to another building.  This was taking all day.  But it was okay.  I was very thankful to get all this done at one time and not have to go back the next day, or the next. 

I was in the next waiting room for a long time.  Thank goodness I had taken two gardening magazines.  I read my magazines, but I kept noticing this pair of lamps.

It’s gonna be hard for you to see it with the full impact it had on me today, but this lamp…  Well, there’s no polite, discreet way to say this.  This lamp looked to me like a patient waiting there with us, with a breast under each arm, and yes the breasts appeared defective.  I think they were supposed to be pineapples.  Maybe?

I mean, who picked these out?

Is it just me?  I certainly was not offended by these lamps.  In fact, I appreciated the humor in it.  And now that I see these pictures, I really wish I had taken a side view of the lamp to show you even more clearly how they looked.  Anyway, I assure you one’s mind is all over the place when dealing with this kind of possibility.  Breast cancer, I mean.

Once called back, I sat in a chair, looking at my boots, and waiting.  More waiting.  The biopsies went well they said, although I can certainly tell you I wouldn’t want to go through that every day.

So why did I make the decision to post this now?  Because it was a long, tiring, and significant day.  I came home sore and drained and hoping the biopsies are negative.  And I met some very, very caring, professional people who I believe want nothing more than to find a cure for breast cancer.  I want people to know that we need to be looking for a cure for breast cancer.  For every cancer. 

Diet can affect breast tissue.  Chemicals can affect breast tissue.  We now know, of course, that genetics play a huge role in some cancers. 

One of the doctors I saw today asked me if I had been eating more soy.  No, she did not say that that causes cancer.  I asked her some questions.  She told me to continue eating what I was eating.  I don’t eat soy, by the way, but I got the impression that large amounts of soy introduced into the diet can cause breast tissue thickening.  Nothing definitive was said, but that’s just it.  That’s the whole point.  What does cause breast thickening?  And breast cancer?

I am thin.  I eat a very healthy diet.  I don’t smoke.  I don’t drink.  I don’t consume much sugar.  I eat fruits and vegetables.  And yet here I am wondering, did I do something to cause cancer? 

I want to clarify again, she was not saying that soy caused cancer.  I think the bottom line is that things — diet included, can affect breast tissue.  I was told a large number of things can cause the tissue thickening I am experiencing.  Fortunately, most of them are nothing to worry about.  Unfortunately, that list of things includes cancer. 

I thought of the friends and family members who have gone through not just a scare, but a diagnosis and all the treatment, and waiting, and pain, that that entails.  I want to be a part of helping.  If there’s a walk to raise money for cancer, maybe I could be a part of it — if I’m not working.  If there’s something for sale and it supports research for breast cancer (you’ll see a pink ribbon), I can support that by buying!  I can teach my daughter to take care of herself.

I did consent today to two studies.  They took a couple of extra cores of tissue to go to a central bank for breast cancer research.  I also gave blood to help them find markers — hopefully – that can tell women by a simple blood test if they are developing breast cancer.

I am setting up a breast page, with links to breast cancer information.  I am also adding a category to blog about the things I read about breast cancer.  I don’t expect to make a huge impact on the world, but I just wanted to speak up and remind people to do what they can. 

When you run head-long into something that could potentially be life-threatening, it makes you stop and think. 

Lynn

PS — There are no school lessons to report today, but Joe actually cooked the ham we’re having tonight.  My husband is cooking the greens, potatoes, and peas.  I have been instructed not to lift anything due to risk of bleeding from the incision and core biopsies today.