When I am sad. When I hurt. When I have trouble just being still and letting go of things, I make a journal page. I have a small stack of papers, all the same size, all from the same type of paper. I pull out the glue or Mod Podge and scissors, and I make a page with a theme of thought or color. It helps me. Every time.
Tonight, particularly tonight, I just ache. Emotionally, I hurt. If I could only just pour my story out. But I will “go high” as they say, and not pour it out. I long for a wand to help those I love. I long for some magic dust to right the wrongs in this world. To help the underdog. To heal those who have been treated unfairly. I just hurt. For everyone. For everything. For myself. For others.
I guess art is a very safe thing to do, and I am sure it is healing. I am sure. Music is art, and it does the same thing for me. My guitar, cradled in my arms, it helps. What do you do when you feel restless? It is very easy, frail human beings that we are, to “act out” when we are restless. That might mean getting up and going somewhere. It might mean making a decision. (Probably not a good idea, that last one.) It might mean turning to a vice of some kind. Maybe it means raging or sleeping or crying. It is very hard, in this frail state we exist in, to simply be still. I am really working on that. I think it is a lifelong process.
Going through more pictures. Oh my goodness, the reality check of looking at a photo that captured a moment in time! A moment to never be had again. I loved my old house. I have nearly a quarter century of memories from that sweet little parcel of land. It will always have part of my spirit there. Anyway, in going through some photos today, I thought I’d share some pictures that touched my heart.
I no longer cry over the old house and over what might have been. It’s just pointless. There is a job for me to do now, to be a good role model for my children, to live with thankfulness and joy. To protect myself, for myself and my children and grandchildren. I have so much happiness now, and while it is not a selfish happiness in the “me, me, me” sense, it is a happiness that has come from me taking care of myself and listening to my heart. I have areas of creativity in my life now that are nurtured. I feel very fulfilled. Some of those creative processes, like painting, wanting to play music, working with clay: they started as a way to stay sane back in the darkest, last years in that house. I realized that I needed art and music. Those areas continue to grow, and I have realized that it is not wrong to protect myself from abusive and controlling people.
Every day is a gift from God. We are not promised anything beyond the moment. What we do in each moment has a huge effect on our future and on others who look to us. I am very thankful for a forgiving God who moved me from a very dark place, and for a forgiving God who saw me at my weakest and most vulnerable and still loves me.
Recently I made an art book about cats. It was so amazing! It sold pretty quickly from the shop. I am in the process now of making another for myself. I plan to keep it out where we can enjoy it and where our visitors can enjoy it.
So that is where I’m at today. I think the healing process will last the rest of my life, but I am okay with that. Some of the darkest storms have led to the most beautiful rainbows and brightest skies!