Walk With Me…

Ahhhh, remember the days when I used to take you on garden walks? Well, I got a quick photo the other day of the old garden. Brace yourselves.

Renovation of the old house spills into the garden.

I mourn for several reasons. It is very real that my garden is no longer mine, but I am not sure I can ever stop saying “my garden.” I am also happy for several reasons. It is delightful that someone purchased this home and is finally going to save it from collapse. Believe me, it was on its way at the rate it was being neglected, and please understand that I was a mirror of the home — the state I was in. I was being cared for about as well as the home was.  Oh, I cleaned and kept the house full of love, but there were things and people needing attention and it just was not happening.  I don’t want to belabor this sorrowful fact, but it does seem to need clarification when I talk about the state of the house.  A marriage is not made of one person.  Anger does not fix problems.  I have heard from people who are involved with the house now that part of the home was being held up by a “stick.”  I used to worry about things I was seeing in our home, but when I brought it up I was met with anger.  It was “NOT A PROBLEM!!”  What could I do?  I was being held up by a tiny stick as well.  It is a wonder I did not cave before I finally got out of the dark place I was living in, literally and emotionally.  I am only now realizing just how sick and mentally exhausted I was upon leaving.

That said, I am now the happiest I have ever been. I love studying something new, playing music (did another open mic the other night!), house hunting, my dear Jason and the garden we are planning together, and the list goes on. In fact, Jason and I went to Chuy’s last night to enjoy a meal and to talk.

Have you been to Chuy’s? Oh my goodness gracious! I love the way it is decorated. It is a Mexican restaurant chain that was started in Austin, Texas. Look at the photos and you will see what I mean…

Yum!
Tribute to Elvis.

In other news, I am heading into the weekend having spent some free time shopping for the shop this week. Tomorrow is the day I open Sidetracked!  My happy place!  I am working hard to finish all school work for the week. Monday will start a new chapter in our textbook. Sigh. I am a bit behind this week, I admit.  Anyway, I had a lot of fun out shopping for the shop. I also wire-wrapped a few more stones. I saw an inspiring sign while out shopping. I spent some of my study time at Foster’s Market in Durham, another yummy place to just relax and take in some quiet time.  So life this week has been as crazy as this paragraph just sounded!  A bit of shopping, a bit of studying, a bit of shopping, studying, working…

Be Your Beautiful Self
The little garden area in front of Foster’s Market.
The little garden area in front of Foster’s Market.
The little garden area in front of Foster’s Market.
More wire-wrapped stones. Kambaba Jasper and Dalmation Jasper.

I better close here.  Much more to do before the week ends!

Enjoy this day.

Lynn

Songwriting for Healing and More

More old photos…

I sure remember tea parties and homeschooling with this sweet crew!

I remember baking with this little munchkin!

Those photos were taken in the summer of 2008! My, how times flies. Now they are all out working and independent. It is just hard to believe! Their oldest brother is not pictured here. He was already out working at that time.  I continue to take my very emotional but necessary trip down memory lane by way of photo organization.

Currently,…

Music is such a part of my life. I find the more I listen, the more I want to listen. I’ve always loved writing, so songwriting seems a natural part of the healing process, or at least it has been for me. I would love to share another one of my original songs soon. Maybe Jason and I can record it and share it by way of a YouTube video. I think you might like it. I like it a lot, but perhaps it is because I relate to the words and the reasons I wrote it.  Which takes us right back to the topic of songwriting and writing in general to help deal with tough emotions.  No wonder I journaled all those years!

Photo from a recent gig of Jason’s. I cheer them on!
Holding my new baby, 2009 Guild guitar.

I am absolutely loving my new (to me) Guild guitar. Oh my goodness, does she ever sound good! She inspires me to practice even more!  I am working on a set list that includes quite a few original songs.  The goal is to play out in public, for money, next year.  Not that it is about the money, but if you don’t book gigs, you don’t really play, and getting paid is usually part of the process.  Even if it is just a hat laid out for tips!

Heavier strings on this new guitar mean deeper calluses! My fingers are sore all over again!

Things I love these days…

A new lamp shade.
Amelia looking at me through the window. She is a plus-size model, a beautiful fluff ball!
Mars being his cheesy red self in front of the camera.
My current little spice rack, waiting for something a bit bigger, maybe older, and with style and character!

Update on the juicer…

 

I am still loving my Breville juicer. I like that it has fewer pieces than my old one. The pulp is contained in the same compartment as where the juice is actually spun out. I like that a lot. One less item to clean. The plastic, while sturdy, seems to me to be the type that might break if I dropped it from a decent height. I am not going to try that! So far I have been washing all pieces on the top rack in the dishwasher and they are doing great. Makes great juice and the pulp is DRY! Here is the link to the original post: http://www.amothersjournal.com/breville-juicer-compact-juice-fountain-700-watt/

Enjoy this day!

A Huge Chapter Closes

The weight on my shoulders feels like the weight of the world. And it is not the weight of victory. It feels like the weight of a sea of tears. Today the old house goes on the market. The Carpenter and I truly built what we had from scratch. We worked hard, both of us.

I hate divorce. I hate broken homes. I mourn the very frail person I had become after all those years of trying to live like a soldier. I craved kindness and gentleness. And that frailty led me into the huge mistake of a second marriage, probably the darkest chapter in my life, but I still look back and know that everything I did, I did with what I believed were good intentions.

I spent 14 years of my marriage to the Carpenter with no clothes dryer. Was it hard? Yes. But he helped wash clothes and there were many sweet days hanging clothes out on the line while my boys played in the yard. I can see the sunshine on their golden hair. I can hear them laughing and running around. Then I had my little dark-headed boy. We had so many meals together around that old enamel top table. I finally got my little princess. I dressed her up like a princess and we raised bunnies. The years rolled on. All in all, the carpenter and I occupied that home together for 23 years. There were many, many sweet memories for me, mostly centered around putting my heart into raising my children and caring for my garden and my home. But one day I broke, beyond repair, after one too many harsh words.

People, treat those you love the way you would treat them if they were not yours and you wanted to have them. That is all.

If you are crying at all, so am I. It is probably all that I will do today as I work through these feelings.

Now, for the positive side of things. I am learning to be happy. I have healthy boundaries now. I am finally feeling like Lynn again. Even my mom and my sister say I seem more like myself than I have in decades. I believe all of my children are finally healing. I have two beautiful grandchildren and five beautiful step-grandchildren. I went out and purchased the Element, something that I wanted! Me!

I have developed a deep and abiding friendship with my Jason, whom I love very much. I am treated with such respect and kindness, and anything creative that I want to do, it is with great support and blessing on his part. And let me add, my finding happiness has happened within myself and not by trying to find a man in my life. I went to Jason for guitar lessons and found such a dear friend! He did a huge part of the work to get me in this current shop that I have, and he teaches me tirelessly as far as my guitar is concerned.

I think I just needed to get that off of my chest. It hurts likes the dickens to see that house go up for sale, to realize that it is a chapter that will be forever closed. I love that little phrase, long days and short years. That is truly what I lived in that house. Remember the Mulberry tree? Remember the homeschooling adventures with Michaela? Remember when I thought Joseph would never learn to read? Remember the year of the dollhouse? Now it will be a process of throwing away items from the house and selling what can be sold and knowing that I will never walk those wooden floors again, or dance on wet soapy rags to clean the kitchen floor, or sit on the front steps and drink tea. I cry long and hard for my babies because they ended up with exactly what I never wanted them to have, a broken home. But they all have grit, they are all loved by both of their parents, and they all love their parents and each other. I think we are all going to be OK.

On that note, I will share my most recent painting, and
attempt at something more abstract. I’m trying to work more with colors and shapes. Also, here is my little work desk in my sweet happy place, my shop. And with that, my lunch break is over and I better get busy with my real work.

Enjoy this day.